Category: Psychological Concepts

“WH” Question Words
Most of our language is directional. Meaning, that when we communicate, we direct someone’s attention. When a question is asked, our brains tend to go on a search to find an answer. If it is a general, non-exact, or non-literal question, then our brain does a “transderivational search”. This is when someone’s mind is looking through their memories and mental representations to find a possible meaning, answer, or match. There are patterns to certain questions we ask, such as the “WH” question words, aka interrogatives. Each “WH” question operates as a directional cue. So, be aware of what you are asking and why. What’s your outcome?
- “What” questions elicit the representation, structure, definition, or identification of something; it’s about content and specifics. It encourages someone to provide details or to clarify the situation.
  - What kind of x do you want? What do they need? What would happen if x?
    
    You are asking to identify, define, or gain clarity on something.
- “How” questions elicit a process, method, steps, means, or the epistemology (knowledge) of something. It encourages exploration to identify descriptions of the way something occurs, is achieved, or is known.
  - How do you know?
    
    This is called “the reality question”. It elicits the evidence of what someone says, believes, or thinks they know to be true, i.e. the epistemology of experience.
  - How can you make this situation better?
    
    You are identifying a strategy.
  - How do you feel (about the situation)?
    
    This calls for self-awareness and self-reflection on what someone is experiencing – what is happening – a process.
- “Why” questions elicit the justification, reason, motivation, cause, or meaning of something. Use it to search for a reason, but use caution when asking “why” to someone angry or depressed because they will give you all the reasons to justify why they are feeling that way, which will in turn prolong that emotional state. Asking someone why keeps them in the state that they are in. “Why” questions can sometimes lead to defensiveness, as they often invite a justification or rationalization for someone’s behavior.
  - Why did you do x?
    
    It asks for the justification for doing x.
- “Who” questions focus on identity or relationships; they identify a specific person or group.
- “When” and “Where” questions elicit temporal and spatial coordinates of something, respectively.
April 20, 2025
Demandingness Words
Words of demandingness are “should” statements. When we tell ourselves, and others, or are told by others that we “have to… need to… should… must” do something. There is an expectation or demand from ourselves, society, religion, community, and family that we do things a specific/certain way. We are being told what to do in an absolutistic or rigid kind of way. In turn, we may avoid or resist doing that thing; get frustrated; and have a sense of failure if we do not do it… or if we do not do it “perfectly”. A couple of things…
- What we resist, persists.
- There is no such thing as perfection.
- Absolutistic thinking is a rigid thinking process that views there is only one correct or universal way of thinking, behaving, or being; that one must, should, completely, never, or always follow exactly. It is rigid, meaning, there is no flexibility or options.
- The category term, words of demandingness, comes from Rational Psychotherapy, aka REBT, and are viewed as irrational beliefs that lead one to experience emotional distress.
Linguistically, words of demandingness are called a modal operator of necessity. Modal operators are a mode of operating or being in the world. It is a deductive pattern – it brings things down to a point – and it forms the rules we live by.

Solution: Switch from demanding to having preferences. To loosen the demand on thinking, add options, such as words of possibility and probability, which allows one to take responsibility or ownership of the action. By using words such as could, would, might, maybe, may, can, am, will, want, etc. one introduces flexibility to their thinking. One can use the negation of the above words, as well. E.g., might not, won’t, do not want, can not, etc.

Demandingness Examples
- I should learn Spanish –> I want to learn Spanish
- I have to go to the store after work –> I am going to the store after work
- You have to call your mother –> You get to call your mother
- I need to finish this assignment –> I am choosing to finish this assignment
April 20, 2025
Reaction vs Response
Reaction vs response: The difference between a reaction and a response is a space. There is a pause; a moment of conscious awareness.
- A reaction is an automatic, unconscious, programmed action that is triggered by a stimulus. Reactions are involuntary thoughts, emotions, and movements that are impulsive and outside of one’s control.
  - E.g., someone broke a glass, and you yell at them. Did you choose to yell at them, or was it an automatic behavior?
  - E.g., someone broke a glass, and you checked to see if they were okay. Reactions are not inherently good or bad, they just are.
- A response is a deliberate action in a given situation. One filters their thoughts, considers their options, and chooses how to express themselves, if at all.
  - E.g., someone broke a glass, and you noticed yourself getting upset so you took a breath, counted from 5-to-1, and then checked on them to see if they were okay. You learned how to control yourself through training, practice, and self-awareness.
- How to create a space:
  - Behavioral training includes mindfulness to cultivate self-awareness and stillness, along with practice to re-condition how you act.
  - Taking a deep breath and slowly exhaling creates a space.
  - Deliberation creates a space between reaction and response.
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
April 20, 2025
The 3 C’s: Courage, Competence, Confidence
Courage is the willingness to take bold action despite feelings of fear or uncertainty. It involves stepping outside of one’s comfort zone, taking risks, and confronting obstacles head-on. You may feel afraid, but you do it anyway.

Competence is having the necessary skills, knowledge, and abilities to perform a task or achieve a goal. You build competence by being courageous, repeatedly.
- Competence forms the foundation of confidence because when individuals are proficient in what they do, they are more likely to feel confident in their abilities.
- This is done through behavioral practice.
Confidence is the belief in yourself, your abilities, and your judgment. It’s about trusting that you have the skills and resources needed to succeed, even in different or challenging situations.
April 20, 2025
Mislabeling Thinking for Feeling
I feel… vs I think…

TL;DR
- Feelings are not thoughts.
- Feelings are not irrational, right, or wrong.
- Our thinking may be rational, irrational, logical, or in error.
- We feel feelings. We think thoughts.
- Clarity of speech is necessary to express what we think and feel – both to ourselves and others.
Situation: A person broke a coffee mug. That is what objectively happened in reality. However, that was the mug I gave them as a gift, so I feel they did that on purpose. I feel disrespected. I feel like they are rejecting me because they broke the mug. I feel like they did that on purpose. I don’t feel important to them. I feel like what they did was wrong.

None of these statements following “I feel” actually express a feeling. They are assumptions, evaluations, or judgments. The word feel is being used without naming a true emotion. Feelings are not thoughts.

Thoughts and Feelings

Thoughts are mental processes – ideas, opinions, and beliefs – that arise from cognition and shape our perception of the world. Through thoughts, we construct subjective reality, evaluate experiences, and form judgments.

Feelings, by contrast, are embodied, subjective experiences, including physiological states (e.g., hunger, pain) and emotional responses (e.g., fear, sadness, joy). Emotions are reactions to perceived significance, and feelings are our awareness of them.

Mislabeling Thoughts as Feelings

People often confuse thoughts with feelings. A thought reflects a belief, interpretation, or judgment. A feeling is an emotional experience. When we say things like “I feel ignored,” “I feel disrespected,” or “I feel unloved,” we are likely expressing evaluations, not emotions.

These are what Dr. Marshall Rosenberg (Nonviolent Communication, NVC) calls pseudo-feelings: words that sound emotional but actually convey interpretation.

Problems with Linguistic Inaccuracies

Mislabeling thoughts as feelings causes communication breakdown:
- Lack of clarity: If someone says, “I feel like you don’t care,” the listener may become confused or defensive. Clarifying what is actually felt (e.g., hurt, fear, sadness) deepens connection.
- Reduced self-awareness: The speaker may struggle to articulate their true emotions, remaining unclear even to themselves.
- Miscommunication in relationships: When feelings remain unexpressed, needs go unmet. In NVC, expressing evaluations instead of emotions blocks empathy and understanding.
- REBT: Saying “I feel like a failure” hides the irrational belief (“I must succeed, or I’m worthless”) behind emotions like shame or depression. REBT separates feelings from beliefs to dispute irrational thoughts.
- Bowen family systems theory: Low differentiation means thoughts and emotions fuse. When upset, a person may be emotionally reactive, approval-seeking, or cut off. Mislabeling thoughts as feelings reflects this fusion and impairs self-regulation.
- Emotional reasoning: Assuming feelings = facts (e.g., “I feel betrayed, so I was betrayed”) undermines objectivity. Feeling something doesn’t make it true.
How to Tell Thoughts from Feelings

According to NVC, emotional clarity drops when:
- “I feel” is followed by that, like, as if, or a pronoun/noun:
  - “I feel that you don’t care.” → belief
  - “I feel as if no one listens.” → assumption
  - “I feel he doesn’t respect me.” → interpretation
  - “I feel I can’t do anything right.” → judgment
- Words are verbs or participles (often ending in -ed):
  - “I feel used.” (Interpretation, not emotion)
  - “I feel taken for granted.” (Evaluation, not emotion)
  - “I feel I’m failing.” (Self-assessment, not emotion)
True feelings tend to be adjectives (e.g., angry, happy, nervous) or abstract nouns (e.g., grief, shame, joy).

More Examples of Emotive-Cognitive Confusion

These examples (from NVC and REBT) highlight common pseudo-feelings:
- Attacked: “I feel attacked” → Interpretation of hostility. Real feeling: afraid, anxious.
- Disappointed: “I feel you keep disappointing me” → Expectation violated. Real feeling: angry, sad.
- Ignored: “I feel they’re ignoring me” → Belief based on behavior. Real feeling: hurt, lonely.
- Inadequate: “I feel inadequate at work” → Self-judgment. Real feeling: sad, ashamed.
- Insecure: “I feel too insecure” → Doubt and fear of judgment. Real feeling: anxious.
- Interrupted: “I feel like you interrupted me” → Judgment. Real feeling: frustrated, angry.
- Misunderstood: “I feel that you’re misunderstanding me” → Belief about their comprehension. Real feeling: anxious, annoyed.
- Not good enough: “I feel like I’m not good enough” → Comparison. Real feeling: fearful, ashamed.
- Unimportant: “I feel unimportant to them” → Self-evaluation. Real feeling: sad.
April 20, 2025

Feelings and Emotions, REBT
Linguistics, Negations, & Conflated Words
The field of linguistics, including cognitive linguistics, neuro-linguistics, etc., studies the structure, meaning, and use of language and how we learn and are influenced by language. This includes how language shapes human thought processes and beliefs. Things like storytelling, metaphors, sociocultural factors, and vocabulary can influence and change how we perceive and interact with the world. The words we use are reflective of our beliefs and how we construct our subjective reality.

One important concept is that our brain does not process a negation. Don’t think of an elephant. Do not think of a pink baby elephant in a tutu. Don’t do it. Don’t touch the stove. To understand what not to do, we have to understand what is being said. Some people will visualize the elephant or touching the stove to understand the concept being mentioned, and then have to cancel it out in their minds. Whatever we are talking about is what we are eliciting in someone’s mind – including our own – even if we are saying “no”, “not”, or “don’t” in front of it. So, discuss what you want to discuss, think about, talk about, or do. Use “positive language” instead of negations or “negative language”.
- Expect vs. want: I expect Maryland weather to be unpredictable because of my experience with Maryland weather. I want it to be a nice, warm, sunny day. I may not get what I want.
  - An expectation is predictive behavior based on experience and available information. It is a projection or forecast of how a person or thing will act, react, respond, or what a situation will be like.
  - A want is what one would like to possess or have happened. It is self-contained within the individual – it is their wish or desire. The individual has to act to bring it to fruition (if it is within their control).
  - When we confuse what we expect to happen and what we want to happen, then we take things personally and get upset.
  - We get frustrated or upset when we want things to be a certain way that is outside our control. E.g., if I want it to be 70 degrees and sunny and I open the door, and it’s cold and rainy, then I may get upset because reality is not as I want it to be. But I cannot control the weather, so it is silly for me to get upset, and being angry punishes me.
April 14, 2025

Neurolinguistic Programming
Evocation of Anger and Expectancy Confirmation

In personality psychology, this concept of evocation says that certain personality traits may evoke consistent responses from the environment, particularly the social environment. So, personality plays a key role in the process of evoking emotions from others.

Evocation of Anger and Upset in Partners

This says that the behaviors of one person can evoke the emotion of anger or upset in another person. The strongest predictor of evocated anger (aka evocative anger) or upset in partners were the personality traits of disagreeableness and emotional instability, with disagreeableness being the strongest predictor.

Evocation Through Expectancy Confirmation

This says that people’s beliefs about the personality characteristics of others cause them to evoke those characteristics from others. I.e., our beliefs can evoke other people’s behaviors because we embody it first in ourselves and then the other person perceives it and then matches it. Also known as behavioral confirmation or simply as a self-fulfilled prophecy.

April 14, 2025

Feelings and Emotions, Interpersonal Communication, Personality Psychology, Relationships Conflicts
Emotional Venting

Venting may seem cathartic; however, it is unhealthy. It is a pseudo-solution that may appear to work, but did it solve the actual problem or handle the situation? Or is it temporary relief until the same thing happens again?

People tend to vent about their thoughts/feelings to avoid how they think and feel. Also, if anger is physically expressed as a way to cope with it (e.g., rage rooms or punching bags), then it increases arousal levels and ends up being counterproductive.

Increasing your arousal level – aka up regulation of emotions – increases the intensity of the emotion and heightens physiological arousal (e.g., increased HR, faster breathing, heightened alertness, muscle tension, restlessness, and release of stress hormones). Instead, reduce your arousal level. Reducing arousal – aka down regulating – reduces the emotional intensity and reactivity along with decreasing physiological arousal (e.g., a lower HR, deeper breathing, lower stress hormones, and overall calming and relaxing effect). This can be initiated through mindfulness, deep breathing, and relaxation techniques.

April 14, 2025

Feelings and Emotions, Interpersonal Communication
Emotional Contagion
Psychological Social Contagions

This phenomenon refers to the idea that emotions, behaviors, or beliefs can spread within a group due to social influence, often without individuals consciously realizing it. Studies have demonstrated that individuals are influenced by not only their direct contacts but also friends-of-friends up to three degrees of separation (“Social Contagion Theory”). For emotional contagions, this is like ‘catching someone’s mood’.

Emotional contagion is the phenomenon when the unconscious spread of emotions from one person to another through facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, or behavior occurs. I.e., one person’s emotions and related behaviors directly trigger similar emotions and behaviors in others. This can lead to a domino effect. In relationships, for instance, anger can spread this way, escalating conflicts. It is a shared emotional experience.
- Mirroring Frustration: One partner comes home angry from work, and the other, sensing the tension, also becomes irritable.
- Escalating Arguments: One partner raises their voice, and the other instinctively matches or exceeds it, intensifying the conflict.
- Defensive Reactivity: A partner criticizes the other, who then becomes defensive and retaliates, fueling mutual resentment.
This can happen in both positive and negative emotional contexts and is a key element in group dynamics and social interactions. For example, if someone is anxious or joyful, others nearby might start to feel anxious or joyful as well.
April 14, 2025

Feelings and Emotions

Category: Psychological Concepts

I feel… vs I think…

Psychological Social Contagions