Must, should, have to, need, ought.

In rational emotive behavioral therapy (REBT), demanding beliefs are absolutistic statements, which are rigid, all-or-nothing thinking that impose unrealistic expectations on ourselves, others, or life, and lead to frustration, anger, guilt, and other self-defeating emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. Demandingness has a perceived lack of options—things must go my way or I’m going to be disturbed.

Self-disturbance might sound like: “I can’t stand it when things don’t go my way. It’s devastating! I get upset if I don’t get what I want. Maybe something is wrong with me because others didn’t do what they should have done.”

A core principle of REBT is that demandingness represents the primary group of irrational beliefs that contribute to psychological distress. The other three categories of irrational beliefs from REBT are awfulizing (catastrophizing); rating the worth of a person (aka damning self or others); and frustration intolerance (aka I-can’t-stand-it-itis).

Demandingness is irrational because someone is demanding that other people or events—things outside of their control—must conform to their wants and (unrealistic) expectations. They have to! If people or events do not occur exactly as the individual demands, then it can lead to emotional disturbances, maladaptive behaviors, and cognitive distortions. The individual is also not accepting reality.

Absolutistic statements are rigid, dogmatic propositions that allow no exceptions, often using words like must, should, always, never, or perfect, and are not based on reality. “I must never fail. If I’m not perfect, I’m worthless.” Well, there is no such thing as perfection because humans are fallible creatures, and to demand that they never make a mistake is irrational since it is counter to reality.

Moralistic Judgment: Someone might say that others must always do the right thing, and if they don’t, then they should be blamed and they should feel guilty. This type of moral absolutism will likely lead to frustration, anger, resentment, blame, condemnation, interpersonal conflict, and other irrational beliefs.

“We have a moral obligation never to blame or feel guilt… no one is bad, only human, and therefore inescapably error prone.” Paul A. Hauck (2, p. 243)

Illogical: REBT is a philosophically and logically grounded psychotherapy that employs a logical-empirical-pragmatic method for disputing irrational beliefs. When individuals demand that they, others, or the world conform to their demands, they abandon logical reasoning in favor of absolutistic, illogical thinking.

Dr. Albert Ellis, founder of REBT, identifed “three main musts” that people irrationally hold that lead to self-disturbance: I must do well and I have to be approved of by certain people. Others must treat me well and fairly. The world must give me what I want when I want it and never anything that I don’t want.

Solution: Preferences

Instead of demanding that things be a certain way, we can hold flexible preferences (which is rational). The key difference lies in how we respond when our wants are not met. For example, if we want someone to reply to a text or email immediately and they don’t, do we feel anxious, depressed, or hurt (indicating a demand), or are we merely annoyed or indifferent (indicating a preference)? If we become emotionally disturbed, we’re likely demanding reality conform to our desires. If we remain undisturbed, we’re likely holding a preference. Therefore, the antidote to demandingness is cultivating preferences.

“A rational belief is usually stated as a desire, hope, want, wish, or preference, and thus reflects a desiring rather than a demanding philosophy.” (1, pp. 72-3)

Demandingness: must, should, have to, need, ought.

• “I must do well and others must approve of me.”
  • And if they don’t, then I’m worthless, no good, a bad person.
  • I may feel anxious, depressed, or angry.
  • I may avoid doing things that I think I’ll fail or avoid people who I think don’t like/approve of me.
• “Other people must treat me fairly and nicely!”
  • And if they don’t, then it’s awful and I can’t stand it!
  • I may feel upset, depressed, angry.
  • I may become argumentative, avoidant, seek relief through distraction, compulsion, or addiction.
• “Things must go the way I want them to.”
  • And if they don’t, then it’s unbearable! I may ruminate about how things are never, ever fair!
  • I may feel frustrated, angry, self-pity, depressed, or anxious.
  • I may become emotionally dysregulated (overreact, complain, vent), avoid things, procrastinate, give up, or distract myself.

Preference Words: choose to, prefer, would like, would be nice, want to, desire, wish, hope.

• “I want to do well and would prefer if others approve of me.”
  • I’m human. I make mistakes. We all do. No one was born with an instruction manual.
  • I accept that there is a learning curve to doing something new or different, and I give myself grace.
  • I understand that I don’t need other people’s approval to be okay.
  • I accept that I cannot control if others approve of, respect, or agree with me—that’s reality.
  • I do not live or act to seek other’s approval. I take action based on my values and goals.
• “I want to be respected.”
  • I acknowledge that life is not fair, even if I wish it were, it is not.
  • I know that I cannot control if I am respected by others. I can set boundaries and walk away from those who push my boundaries, though.
• “I like when things to go my way—I prefer it!—but I accept that they sometimes won’t, and I can handle it.”
  • Life happens. I cannot control life. I cannot control events, other people, or even the outcomes of my own actions. By going with the flow, I can better handle situations.

“Your Irrational Beliefs do not conform to reality… The universe is clearly not arranged so that you will always get what you demand. So although your desires are often realistic, your godlike commands definitely are not.” Albert Ellis (4, p. 133)

Additional Demands → Preferences

• I should learn French. → I want to learn French. I’m going to start learning French.
• *Angrily* I forgot I have to get gas before work! → I am going to get gas before work, and then set a weekly reminder to get gas regardless if I’m low or not.
• I have to go home immediately after work or my partner is going to get angry and yell. → I could go home immediately after work, but I want time to decompress first, and I would like to call my parents in peace. I’m going to message my partner and let them know I’ll be a little late.
• I need to finish this task—I have to get it done! → I am choosing to finish this assignment. I could break it down into steps so it is more manageable. *Takes deep breath* I got this.

References
(1) A Practitioners Guide to Rational Emotive Therapy (1980, 1st ed.) Susan R. Walen, Raymond DiGiuseppe, and Richard L. Wessler
(2) Clinical Applications of Rational-Emotive Therapy (1985) Albert Ellis and Michael E. Bernard
(3) Overcoming Destructive Beliefs, Feelings, and Behaviors: New Directions for Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (2001) Albert Ellis
(4) Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy: A Therapist’s Guide (1998) Albert Ellis and Catharine MacLaren