A Stoic Perspective

Stoicism

Stoic Theory is a structured, applied philosophy and a form of psychotherapy that teaches practical exercises to build psychological and emotional resilience. It helps individuals prevent emotional disturbances and alleviate suffering through correct thinking and alignment with reality, rather than resisting reality or trying to control things outside one’s control.

One of the core principles of Stoic Theory is that people disturb themselves. Epictetus emphasized that it is not situations or other people that disturb us, but our evaluations and judgments about them that create distress. Situations are not inherently good or bad—only our perceptions allow us to label them as such. This process begins when we become aware of a stimulus (an event, situation, or person), then evaluate or judge it, and finally assign meaning, interpretation, or assumption to it based on our value judgments and beliefs. We then behave in accordance with these evaluations—we feel, think, speak, and act accordingly.

Anxiety and Worry

The core of anxiety is a reaction to the unknown: We perceive something as uncertain and interpret it as a potential threat. We then think excessively about it, magnifying the feared uncertainty. Our prolonged thinking or over-engagement with a situation amplifies our concerns.

Worry is a fear of the future—a form of preemptive suffering—where one fixates on possible misfortunes that have not actually occurred. This happens through prolonged thinking about what might go wrong in a possible future without actively problem-solving for it. In this way, uncertainty becomes a perceived threat: What if X happens? Then what will I do? I don’t know… Shawn’s remedy to this is simple: then handle it.

Instead of maintaining a rational and composed mind, anxiety and worry create disturbances that arise from excessive concern over things outside one’s control, leading to unnecessary distress, restlessness, and reactivity. Seneca compared anxiety to summoning trouble that does not exist, stating that it “ruins the present through fear of the future,” adding that “it is indeed foolish to be unhappy now because you may be unhappy at some future time” (Letter to Lucilius, 24.1). Anxiety disrupts one’s inner tranquility by fixating on uncertain future outcomes.

Ask: “Is this necessary?”

“”If you seek tranquility, do less.” Or (more accurately) do what’s essential—what the logos [reason] of a social being requires, and in the requisite way. Which brings a double satisfaction: to do less, better. Because most of what we say and do is not essential. If you can eliminate it, you’ll have more time, and more tranquility.

Ask yourself at every moment, “Is this necessary?” But we need to eliminate unnecessary assumptions as well. To eliminate the unnecessary actions that follow.”

(Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 4.24)

Here, Marcus Aurelius is calling for deliberate simplicity: do what truly matters, and cut the rest. He is inviting a moment of rational filtering—a pause to evaluate whether a thought, action, or concern is essential to your role, values, or goals. He is offering you a tool, a mental filter: Is this situation necessary for me to be involved in… is it essential to my wellbeing… or is it just superfluous noise?

The Virtue of the Sage

UK psychotherapist Donald Robertson, who practices various forms of CBT and traces their early philosophical roots to Stoicism, writes in his book, “Stoicism and the Art of Happiness”:

“The virtue of the Sage consists in his ability to endure painful feelings and rise above them, while continuing to maintain his relationships and interaction with the world, to care sufficiently about ourselves and others but not enough to anxiously worry.”

(Robertson, p. 55)

Here, Robertson is referring to the virtue of courage or fortitude that is an aspect of one’s character that allows them to endure painful emotions without being overwhelmed by them. Robertson is reflecting on what Seneca said, that the “wise man feels his troubles, but overcomes them” (Letter to Lucilius, 9.3). It means to tolerate distress while maintaining rational judgment so that emotions do not dictate one’s actions (i.e., being rational instead of using emotional reasoning). Practicing objective analysis and reality testing is useful to cultivate rational thinking. Practicing behavioral experiments is useful to cultivate acting courageously.

Courage is the willingness to take bold action despite feelings of fear or uncertainty. Fortitude is the mental and emotional strength to face adversity, challenges, or fear with resolve, remaining steadfast in doing what is right despite risks or discomfort.

To Care Sufficiently

To care sufficiently means caring enough to act with reason in the situation while maintaining healthy emotional boundaries. It means to endure and then rise above is to become resilient—to care about ourselves and others, but not enough to worry about things.

The opportunity for anxiety and worry to come about occurs when we become enmeshed or over-engaged in one’s own thinking or in someone else’s situation. When someone cares in excess they are over-concerned in things outside their control; they become over-involved in their thoughts (e.g., preoccupation, rumination, worry) and then act out in dysregulated ways (e.g., reactive, impulsive, needy, avoidant). They may also involve themselves unnecessarily in other people’s situations, trying to control what they cannot actually control. This leads to resistance, frustration, anger, and hopelessness.

Enmeshment is a lack of healthy boundaries in relationships and interactions with others. When someone becomes overly intertwined with another, and it is difficult to distinguish an individual’s thoughts and feelings from another person’s experience. There is a feeling of responsibility for another person’s happiness or distress—a sense of obligation to take care of stressors for another, and then feeling guilty if they fail. This blurring of self and others can turn into control or dependency, and is often associated with anger and conflict.

To reverse from and prevent enmeshment, have strong boundaries. Know what you can and cannot control. Before getting involved in someone’s situation, before speaking, ask: Is it necessary? Is this something that needs to be handled by you? If you seek tranquility, peace, calmness, or contentment, then do not pick something up (a stressor) if it is not your responsibility or within your control to handle.

When someone is already stressed from taking on too much, from trying to control things that they cannot, or from becoming enmeshed or over-involved in something, they ask: What will bring me relief? At that point, it is to delegate things, to take a step back from what others are responsible for, to “”do less.” Or (more accurately) do what’s essential”. In order to find relief, they have to put down and release what they have taken on.

Epictetus asks, “Why should I worry about what happens if I am armed with the virtue of fortitude? Nothing can trouble or upset me, or even seem annoying. Instead of meeting misfortune with groans and tears, I will call upon the faculty especially provided to deal with it” (Discourses, 1.6.29). And which faculty is he referring to? “What is that in you which deliberates, what is that which examines every thing, what is that which forms a judgment…” (Discourses, 1.20). It is our faculty of reason, of being able to be rational agents.

Therefore, to cease anxiety and worry rely on reason to construct logical arguments based on what is empirically true, and then reality test. Use the dichotomy of control as a mental filter to shift your attention away from things that you cannot control and focus on things that you can control—what you can do. Train yourself to accept uncertainty—that there are things that you do not know. Learn to become comfortable with the unknown by exploring things that you do not know about to grow and learn. Practice new ways of showing up in the world to expand your human experience.

Reality testing is the process of evaluating thoughts, beliefs, or perceptions against objective facts and evidence to determine their accuracy. It involves examining the reality of a situation before accepting them as true, ensuring judgments are based on reason rather than emotions or cognitive distortions.

Reality question: How do I know? If someone tells you something, how do you know it is true? If you think or believe something about yourself, another person, or a situation, how do you know it is true?

The dichotomy of control: You can only control your intended behaviors—what you intend to think, feel, and do in the present moment. Everything else is outside of our control.

• You cannot control what others think, feel, or do; how other people perceive or think of you; the outcome of your actions; or how your behaviors affect others. You cannot control the past or the future.
• When encountering new situations or thoughts, ask: What options do I have here? What is in my control? Is this something I can change, or just something I can accept?
• If you notice yourself getting frustrated or bothered, ask: Am I reacting to something outside my control (like other people’s actions or what I want them to do)? What can I do in this moment to change how I feel or think about the situation? How can I interact with others, differently?

Epictetus offers instruction on examining our thoughts and perceptions of events. “First and foremost: does it involve the things up to us, or the things not up to us? And if it involves one of the things not up to us, have the following response to hand: “Not my business.””

(Enchiridion, 1)

Acceptance

To accept a situation as it is we acknowledge what is objectively true and let go of any judgment or resistance, even if we do not like, approve, condone, or want the situation as it is. Acceptance is the willingness to affirm reality. Acceptance is the opposite of avoidance. In DBT it is called radical acceptance. It is the willingness to accept reality completely or thoroughly. When we resist reality or try to control things outside our control, we disturb ourselves… we suffer.

It’s the End of the World!

Sometimes when someone becomes emotionally overwhelmed, they think that it means it’s the end of the world! And to that I say, well if it is, then you won’t have anything else to worry about! This sums up what Marcus Aurelius offered:

‘Whatever does happen to you, you are naturally either able, or not able to endure it. If you are able to endure it, do not complain, but endure it. If you are not able to endure it, do not complain. For it will soon end you, and itself (whatever it is) at the same time.

(Meditations, 10.3)

Objective Analysis

A cognitive skill designed to help people separate their subjective interpretations of an event from the observable facts of the event. This technique trains people to describe situations strictly in terms of reality—free from judgment, evaluation, or assumption.

Overview: Pause and identify what is objectively true about the situation. What can you know and verify? Use objective language… and then to stop there. Period. This suspends attributing meaning, creating assumptions, or making value-judgements. There is no comma after a fact—it is a period. Then ask, what is within my control in this situation? Frustration arises when we try to control something that we cannot; when we want things to be different than they are. The emphasis is on separating objective facts from our interpretations, judgments, and assumptions, and then acting on them.

Click here for additional information on Objective Analysis.

“It is not things themselves that disturb people, but their judgments about those things.”

(Epictetus, Enchiridion, 5)