Words of demandingness are “should” statements. When we tell ourselves, and others, or are told by others that we “have to… need to… should… must” do something. There is an expectation or demand from ourselves, society, religion, community, and family that we do things a specific/certain way. We are being told what to do in an absolutistic or rigid kind of way. In turn, we may avoid or resist doing that thing; get frustrated; and have a sense of failure if we do not do it… or if we do not do it “perfectly”. A couple of things…
- What we resist, persists.
- There is no such thing as perfection.
- Absolutistic thinking is a rigid thinking process that views there is only one correct or universal way of thinking, behaving, or being; that one must, should, completely, never, or always follow exactly. It is rigid, meaning, there is no flexibility or options.
- The category term, words of demandingness, comes from Rational Psychotherapy, aka REBT, and are viewed as irrational beliefs that lead one to experience emotional distress.
Linguistically, words of demandingness are called a modal operator of necessity. Modal operators are a mode of operating or being in the world. It is a deductive pattern – it brings things down to a point – and it forms the rules we live by.
Solution: Switch from demanding to having preferences. To loosen the demand on thinking, add options, such as words of possibility and probability, which allows one to take responsibility or ownership of the action. By using words such as could, would, might, maybe, may, can, am, will, want, etc. one introduces flexibility to their thinking. One can use the negation of the above words, as well. E.g., might not, won’t, do not want, can not, etc.
Demandingness Examples
- I should learn Spanish –> I want to learn Spanish
- I have to go to the store after work –> I am going to the store after work
- You have to call your mother –> You get to call your mother
- I need to finish this assignment –> I am choosing to finish this assignment