I feel… vs I think…
TL;DR
- Feelings are not thoughts.
- Feelings are not irrational, right, or wrong.
- Our thinking may be rational, irrational, logical, or in error.
- We feel feelings. We think thoughts.
- Clarity of speech is necessary to express what we think and feel – both to ourselves and others.
Situation: A person broke a coffee mug. That is what objectively happened in reality. However, that was the mug I gave them as a gift, so I feel they did that on purpose. I feel disrespected. I feel like they are rejecting me because they broke the mug. I feel like they did that on purpose. I don’t feel important to them. I feel like what they did was wrong.
None of these statements following “I feel” actually express a feeling. They are assumptions, evaluations, or judgments. The word feel is being used without naming a true emotion. Feelings are not thoughts.
Thoughts and Feelings
Thoughts are mental processes – ideas, opinions, and beliefs – that arise from cognition and shape our perception of the world. Through thoughts, we construct subjective reality, evaluate experiences, and form judgments.
Feelings, by contrast, are embodied, subjective experiences, including physiological states (e.g., hunger, pain) and emotional responses (e.g., fear, sadness, joy). Emotions are reactions to perceived significance, and feelings are our awareness of them.
Mislabeling Thoughts as Feelings
People often confuse thoughts with feelings. A thought reflects a belief, interpretation, or judgment. A feeling is an emotional experience. When we say things like “I feel ignored,” “I feel disrespected,” or “I feel unloved,” we are likely expressing evaluations, not emotions.
These are what Dr. Marshall Rosenberg (Nonviolent Communication, NVC) calls pseudo-feelings: words that sound emotional but actually convey interpretation.
Problems with Linguistic Inaccuracies
Mislabeling thoughts as feelings causes communication breakdown:
- Lack of clarity: If someone says, “I feel like you don’t care,” the listener may become confused or defensive. Clarifying what is actually felt (e.g., hurt, fear, sadness) deepens connection.
- Reduced self-awareness: The speaker may struggle to articulate their true emotions, remaining unclear even to themselves.
- Miscommunication in relationships: When feelings remain unexpressed, needs go unmet. In NVC, expressing evaluations instead of emotions blocks empathy and understanding.
- REBT: Saying “I feel like a failure” hides the irrational belief (“I must succeed, or I’m worthless”) behind emotions like shame or depression. REBT separates feelings from beliefs to dispute irrational thoughts.
- Bowen family systems theory: Low differentiation means thoughts and emotions fuse. When upset, a person may be emotionally reactive, approval-seeking, or cut off. Mislabeling thoughts as feelings reflects this fusion and impairs self-regulation.
- Emotional reasoning: Assuming feelings = facts (e.g., “I feel betrayed, so I was betrayed”) undermines objectivity. Feeling something doesn’t make it true.
How to Tell Thoughts from Feelings
According to NVC, emotional clarity drops when:
- “I feel” is followed by that, like, as if, or a pronoun/noun:
- “I feel that you don’t care.” → belief
- “I feel as if no one listens.” → assumption
- “I feel he doesn’t respect me.” → interpretation
- “I feel I can’t do anything right.” → judgment
- Words are verbs or participles (often ending in -ed):
- “I feel used.” (Interpretation, not emotion)
- “I feel taken for granted.” (Evaluation, not emotion)
- “I feel I’m failing.” (Self-assessment, not emotion)
True feelings tend to be adjectives (e.g., angry, happy, nervous) or abstract nouns (e.g., grief, shame, joy).
More Examples of Emotive-Cognitive Confusion
These examples (from NVC and REBT) highlight common pseudo-feelings:
- Attacked: “I feel attacked” → Interpretation of hostility. Real feeling: afraid, anxious.
- Disappointed: “I feel you keep disappointing me” → Expectation violated. Real feeling: angry, sad.
- Ignored: “I feel they’re ignoring me” → Belief based on behavior. Real feeling: hurt, lonely.
- Inadequate: “I feel inadequate at work” → Self-judgment. Real feeling: sad, ashamed.
- Insecure: “I feel too insecure” → Doubt and fear of judgment. Real feeling: anxious.
- Interrupted: “I feel like you interrupted me” → Judgment. Real feeling: frustrated, angry.
- Misunderstood: “I feel that you’re misunderstanding me” → Belief about their comprehension. Real feeling: anxious, annoyed.
- Not good enough: “I feel like I’m not good enough” → Comparison. Real feeling: fearful, ashamed.
- Unimportant: “I feel unimportant to them” → Self-evaluation. Real feeling: sad.