Mislabeling Thinking for Feeling: Couple’s Edition

Communication Strategies: Clarifying Feelings vs. Thoughts in Conversations

Feelings are not thoughts. Feelings are subjective experiences of our bodily sensations and interpretations of our emotions (e.g., sad, upset, nervous) and physiology (e.g., hunger, thirst, pain). Thoughts, evaluations, perceptions, and assumptions are cognitive interpretations (e.g., “not doing the right thing”) of a situation. When referencing the interaction between two people, are we talking about an internal emotional experience, or gauging what someone else did?

Interpersonal Conflict

The issue with mislabeling thoughts as feelings is that it can cause communication breakdowns. When someone says, “I don’t feel like I can trust you”, trust is an evaluation of the person according to specific criteria. There is a reason they think that they cannot trust the person. However, if that person responds with “no, that’s not true”, in effect, they are telling them that ‘no, their feeling is not real’. And, that is actually correct—there is no such thing as a “trust feeling”. The person is feeling something, but what that is has not been identified. However, a fight is more likely to erupt, because one person is talking about their feelings and think they were just invalidated, and the other person is talking about trust as a belief. You are not speaking the same language.

Another problem that can lead to conflict is emotional reasoning: Assuming feelings are facts. For example, “I feel betrayed, so I was betrayed”. This undermines objectivity because feeling something does not make it true, and acting as if it does can lead to many problems.

By accurately identifying what someone is actually feeling and thinking, this brings clarity to the situation, which can then allow for greater communication, understanding, and connection. It is not about problem-solving; it is about understanding one another.

Quick Note: Blame

Blame can come up in conjunction with different pseudo-feelings, such as lack of trust, disrespect, attack, judging, etc.

Blame is the act of judging someone to find fault and then condemning them for their actions. It confuses one’s actions for one’s identity: “You’re a terrible person because of what you did.” Blame is unhealthy, unhelpful, and irrational. It usually comes about by believing that “they shouldn’t have done what they did” because either “they must do what I want them to” or for self-blame, “I must always do the right thing (be perfect)”. Side effects include hindering emotional regulation, increasing interpersonal conflict, and leading to emotional distress. Blame is not a feeling; it is an assessment or judgment.

Avoidance: Blame can be a way of avoiding internal discomfort by shifting responsibility for one’s hurt feelings onto another person, thereby escaping self-reflection or having to be vulnerable. When blaming becomes a habitual response to conflict, it is truly maladaptive. Such as constantly blaming a partner for relationship issues, which then prevents resolution and reinforces emotional distance.

Manipulative: Repeated blaming can be used as manipulation as a way of avoiding accountability by projecting fault onto the other person; to control someone’s emotions; to coerce other people’s behaviors; or to distort reality in a relationship.

Pseudo-Feeling Examples

Below are some common statements expressing pseudo-feelings, followed by an explanation of what the pseudo-feeling is actually about or what might be going on in that situation. Then there are some examples of how to respond that invites emotional identification to help foster greater self-awareness, empathetic connection, and mutual understanding.

The overall tone is, “I want to better understand what you are feeling, how you see things, and where you’re coming from.”

Love
Love is a secondary emotion from happiness or joy. It is natural affection for others as a form of acceptance, trust, support, connection, and care. It is a feeling we feel and we voice to others by telling them that “I love you”. However…

They say: “I feel like you don’t really love me.” “I want to feel loved.” “I feel unloved.”

Explanation: “Unloved” is not an emotion. It is an evaluation. They are expressing their perception that it seems that you do not love them according to some criteria in their mind. They think or notice a lack of connection, closeness, belonging, acceptance, or support, and they likely feel sad, lonely, or anger. It may also come across as blame—like it is your fault. Blame can be a way of avoiding vulnerable emotions by shifting responsibility for one’s hurt feelings onto another person—often leading to defensiveness and conflict instead of connection.

Ask: “By unloved, are you feeling sad, lonely, or… ?”
Ask: “What is it that has you thinking that I don’t love you?”

Trust
They say: “I feel like I can’t trust you.”

Explanation: Trust is a firm belief or confidence in something, or that someone will act in consistent ways that are honest, safe, dependable, and has one’s well-being in mind. When someone concludes that they can or cannot trust someone, they are doing an evaluation of someone’s perceived intentions and current behavior compared to their past behavior, to see if they are reliable, respects boundaries, and truthful. When someone says they cannot trust someone, they may be masking their own fear of being vulnerable, such as “I’m scared I’ll get hurt again”. So, they are not clearly communicating their concern, and they may be shifting blame onto the other person, turning their internal concern into a projection of accusation. Blaming others is not helpful or healthy, and can incite conflict.

Ask: “When I hear ‘I feel like I can’t trust you,’ it sounds like you might be feeling hurt or scared—does that fit?”
Ask: “It’s not my intention to hurt or mislead you. What are you feeling right now?”
Ask: “Trust is important to me. What are you feeling when you say you don’t trust me?”

Disrespected
They say: “I feel you’re disrespecting me.”

Explanation: Disrespect is not a feeling—it’s an evaluation or judgment about someone’s behavior, usually based on personal expectations or social norms. It often refers to a perceived lack of regard, value, or dignity. They may think they are not being treated the way they have come to expect from the other person; the way they want to be treated; or the way that they think they deserve to be treated (although deservingness can be problematic).

Ask: “When you say you feel like I’m disrespecting you, are you feeling sad, hurt, frustrated…?”
Ask: “Can you tell me what it was that you think was disrespectful?”

Attacked
They say: “I feel attacked (when you say/do that).”

Explanation: When someone thinks they are being attacked, they are perceiving an outside threat to themselves or their identity, such as being blamed, challenged, or questioned. If they perceive that they are being attacked, then they are accusing the other person of attacking them or having an intention to do harm. This is often not the case, and the other person can then become confused, anxious, defensive, hurt, or think they are being judged or attacked in response. In essence, the first person is blaming the other person, which likely leads to conflict with both sides feeling misunderstood or under attack. The initial person likely was feeling angry, upset, or afraid about something, but then a downward spiral ensued.

Ask: “I want to understand what’s going on here. Are you feeling angry because of something?”
Ask: “That’s not my intention. What emotions are you feeling at this moment?”
Ask: “I want to better understand what is going on. What are you feeling at the moment?”

Note: I would heed caution is using the word ‘attack’ in your response, because that word may become the focus of the conversation.

Care and don’t care
They say: “I feel like you don’t care about me.”

Explanation: To care for someone means having and showing concern for their well-being, to value them, and to want good things for them. It’s expressed through attention, empathy, support, kindness, and responsiveness. They’re not expressing a feeling, they’re expressing a judgment based on unmet needs, wants, or expectations. Find what they think is missing, and how they are feeling.

Ask: “It sounds like you’re thinking I don’t care. Are you feeling hurt or lonely? What makes you think that I don’t care?”

Judging
They say: “I feel like you’re judging me.”

Explanation: When we think we’re being judged, we perceive (real or imagined) and interpret a person’s body language, words, tone, and behavior as a threat to our self-esteem, image, or identity, and think we are not being accepted. This then leads to guilt, shame (‘not good enough’), embarrassment, anxiety and worry, hurt, sadness, anger, or a fear of rejection.

Ask: “And how do you feel when you think I’m judging you?”
Ask: “What makes you think I’m judging you?”

Right and wrong
They say: “I feel like you’re not doing the right things (that I want you to do).”

Explanation: Right and wrong, good and bad, are moral judgments or evaluations of behavior. What one person thinks is right, another may think is wrong. Or there may be multiple right ways to go about something.

Ask: “Let’s pause for a moment—are you talking about how you feel, or what you believe is right or wrong?”

Don’t listen
They say: “It feels like you never listen to me.” “I feel unheard.”

Explanation: If someone appears to be listening or not, or if someone is being unheard or dismissed, then they describe what someone thinks is happening, not their internal emotional state. It is an evaluation or interpretation of a situation or pattern. They may mean, “I feel sad when I don’t feel responded to.” or “I feel frustrated when I repeat myself and nothing changes.”

Ask: “What are you feeling when you think I don’t listen to you?”

Ignored
They say: “I feel ignored.” “I feel like you are ignoring me (or paying me less attention).”

Explanation: If someone thinks they are being ignored, that is their evaluation of a situation—it’s a belief based on one’s interpretation of someone’s behavior. It implies someone else is doing (or not doing) something different from usual. If there has been a change in behavior recently, acknowledge that and share what has been contributing to that. If not, ask what they are feeling and what lead them to think they were being ignored.

Ask: “It sounds like you’re feeling left out or hurt right now.”

Manipulative
They say: “That feels manipulative to me.” “I feel you are trying to manipulate me.”

Explanation: Manipulation is any attempt to deceive, exploit, control, or influence a person to get them to act, think, or feel in a specific way for the benefit of the manipulators own interests. It is a psychological tactic. It is not a feeling or emotion. It leads to relational damage, conflict, and abuse. The person believes they’re being controlled or coerced.

Ask: “Okay, let’s check in, because that was not my intent. What are you feeling at the moment?”

Implementing new skills: When one partner is practicing new skills such as assertive and empathetic communication, setting boundaries, expressing oneself, and being vulnerable, their partner may become hesitant for a few reasons. If this is a new change, it may be startling and unfamiliar to them; they may misinterpret the situation as being strategic instead of practicing new skills; and it may be reminiscent of past situations when someone actually did try to manipulate them. Another possibility is that the other person has been covertly manipulating, and in seeing new communication, problem solving, and boundary setting skills being implemented, they may fear a loss of control over the person, and call it manipulation as a preemptive tactic.

Stay grounded: “Can you tell me what I said or did that gave you that impression?”
Clarify your intent: “My intention was to be honest about what I want.”
Therapy reminder: “I’ve been trying to apply what I’m learning in therapy. This is new for me, and I want to improve our interactions/communication.”
Inquire: “I want us to understand each other better. What to you seemed off?”
Invite dialogue: “Let’s talk about this—I want to make sure we’re both clear and comfortable.”

Note: I would heed caution is using the word ‘manipulation’ in your response, because that word may become the focus of the conversation. If what was interpreted as manipulation was not actual manipulation, then talk about what was noticed or what the intent was. By continuing to use the word manipulation, then that keeps it in the conversation.

Additional Pseudo-Feelings: abandoned, alienated, betrayed, blamed, failure, ignored, inadequate, insecure, interrupted, misunderstood, neglected, rejected, unappreciated.